I recently found myself overwhelmed with sorrow and missing Ethan. These feelings surprised me as I hadn't felt these feelings this strong in over 2 years. I have to admit that I was a little grateful to experience these emotions, as they allowed me to realize that Ethan is still a part of my life and my love for him still runs deep. The thought had previously crossed my mind that distance from the events of my loss may cause me to forget the sorrow. Though I have found courage to move forward, I am grateful that the sorrow has not completely left me. This must seem crazy... but I have experienced a lot of personal growth and an increase in testimony through these experiences. And re-living the sorrow provides opportunity to reflect on my growth and remember how blessed I am. I am so blessed to have an understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am blessed to have personally experienced the effects of the Atonement as it has helped heal me and change me. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many individuals who have never left my side - who have acted in charity in order to "lift my burdens."Today I took my second son to his pediatrician for his 18 month check-up. Because these emotions had resurfaced I had finally found the courage to ask questions. This is the same pediatrician who had been on-call and had attended to Ethan. It took me more than three years to confront the uncertainty I had in asking these questions. I simply asked if he remembered the night Ethan was born, and then asked him to share with me what he remembered. I was surprised that he had no hesitation - he had remembered the events vividly. During our conversation, he explained the procedures and decisions that were made that night. He explained that every member of the medical team attending to Ethan was more than competent - they were the best, with the highest levels of training. He revealed to me his spiritual experiences of that night... he too felt that it was right to let Ethan go.
Let me point out that I never questioned the competency of the medical team, I knew that what happened that night was supposed to happen. But I had felt as though I was missing a piece of the puzzle without knowing all the particulars of that night. And upon finding my courage to ask these questions, I have felt an incredible sense of relief... there are no more questions.
