Celebration and Perspective

Sorry it's been so long! I've been without internet...

It's been more than a month, but I really wanted to share what occurred on Ethan's birthday. The weeks leading up to Ethan's birthday were miserable and lonely. The memories of his passing became more vivid as his birthday approached. On November 12th (Thursday) I remembered how Ethan was born on a Thursday, and every time I looked at the clock memories surfaced as to what happened that same moment the year before. It was dreadful. The emotions were still so raw - as though I was experiencing it all again. I was not looking forward to the next day thinking that Ethan's actual birthday would be much more difficult.

Early Friday morning, my cousin stopped by. She brought a fabulous birthday cake in memory of Ethan. I was so grateful, and touched, that she had remembered. But I was also grateful for the new perspective this simple act gave me. Immediately I realized that Ethan's birthday should not be a day of mourning, but should be a day of celebration. It was the day I became a mother - and the day we became a family.

The remainder of the day - I was overwhelmed with peace and gratitude. Others also remembered my son's birth. One of my friends brought me this beautiful gift:

I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends. It is truly amazing how one small unexpected kindness can lift away sorrow. I pray that we might all be mindful of others and find ways to lighten their burdens.

Sleepless Dark

Months have past (nearly a year) and still I feel the gloom of sorrow. It's like a dark cloud is hanging over me. And though the sorrow fades in and out, the last couple of weeks have been somewhat overwhelming. I know that I typically focus on my strong moments, and my growing testimony - but this deep sorrow is a part of grieving. If I am to share my complete experience this darkness needs to be mentioned. I do, however, realize that if I am to experience extreme joy, I must experience the misery. I am so grateful for the gospel and the hope that it brings me.

Below is a poem that I wrote during one of my many sleepless nights.

Sleepless Dark

In the sleepless dark I lay,
As my heart begins to pray.
Memories I thought were in the past
Are now in the present and will forever last.

As clouds of sorrow take their place,
My heart cries out for amazing grace.
A mist of darkness fills my mind -
It is peace I seek, and am trying to find.

The One who was always near,
Is now gone - I begin to fear.
It is I who has fallen behind.
I search for His face, so loving and kind.

In the sleepless dark I lay,
My aching heart continues to pray.
I grasp for hope as it passes by,
And realize my Friend has always been nigh.

There is hope in His loving embrace,
My Savior, my friend, my Amazing Grace.
Daylight begins to filter the air,
It is true, my friend, He is always there.

--by JaNae Campbell

Holding Baby

The first time I held an infant after losing Ethan is when my aching arms finally found relief. There is nothing more wonderful or comforting than holding one of God's children. I will forever be grateful to this infant's mother. I was sitting in church, when she asked me if I would watch her son while she and her husband joined the choir. Many people would not have asked me in fear that it would hurt my feelings... I am so glad this mother did.

Months later, I was visiting a friend who had given birth to the most beautiful baby girl. My friend handed her daughter to me, and in that same moment her baby smiled. What a wonderful gift!

I wrote the following poem nearly 10 years ago:

A Child's Smile

When a child smiles
The world seems brighter.
Peace and love will fill the air.
There is no sorrow lingering around.

When a smile appears on a young face,
Happiness bursts within every heart.
A melody can be heard from every bird.
The air becomes fresher and sweeter.

There is nothing more wonderful than a smile that
lies upon a child's face.

Caution and Clarification

After my last post, I feel that people may have had the wrong impression. My intention was not to diminish the tragedy of a miscarriage. My intention was to simply point out that there is a difference in losses.

At the time of my miscarriage, it was the greatest trial (and most tragic experience) of my life. But now I feel that it was one of God's ways to prepare me for Ethan's death. I cannot and will not speculate when life begins... With any loss a heart is broken.

Also, I want to point out that I don't get angry with people who don't understand. Their words may hurt, but most often their intentions are good and they are genuinely concerned. Truthfully, if I had not experienced my losses I might have made similar mistakes. And I will most likely continue making mistakes as I have not experienced the trials of others and do not have full understanding of what others endure.

Same, but Different

It always bothers me when people refer to Ethan's death as a miscarriage. Yes there are many similarities. Both are a result of a failed pregnancy. The body and mind undergo a great deal of stress. There is a loss and a mourning related to both situations. But as someone who has experienced both, there is a great deal of difference. With my miscarriage, it was painful, but the loss I experienced was more a loss of the opportunity to be a mother. I did not feel as though I lost a child - just an opportunity. Many other women who have experienced a miscarriage have expressed different feelings, and I have often felt guilty. Should I have had a greater bond?

With the loss of Ethan, I yearn to see him and hold him and know him. I have always found great comfort in knowing that he lived for 48 minutes. We bonded. We saw his face. He had a name. I didn't consider myself a mother until he came along. So having experienced these two losses differently, I become irritated when others refer to Ethan's death as a miscarriage. It is important to me that others recognize that my son lived.

Below are the medical terms used to describe the different types of pregnancy loss:

• miscarriage = 0-12 weeks gestation
  
• late miscarriage = 12-20 weeks gestation
  
• stillborn= death of a baby in the womb after 20 weeks
  
• neonatal death = a baby dies within 28 days of birth (often occurs because a baby had birth defects or was born early)
  

Struggle to Remember

The first several weeks after experiencing Ethan's death I wanted so desperately to forget the events of that awful night. I kept re-living the pain of my loss. I could not shake the images and emotions. I knew that I wanted to remember my son, yet I did not want to re-live the nightmare. I remember someone telling me how difficult it was for her to go to places where she had gone with her lost children because of all the memories. I understood that heartache - but for me the only memory I had of my son was losing him. How could I remember and love my son without experiencing the painful memories? It occurred to me that I had spent five months with Ethan. I tried focusing on the memories of my pregnancy. At first it was difficult to remember anything good - I had experienced 18 weeks of morning (daytime, evening, night) sickness. Soon I remembered the day I discovered I was pregnant and the joy my husband and I experienced as we kept our little secret. I then remembered the day we found out we were expecting a boy and how fun it was to watch Ethan squirm and hide. I remember being home alone, listening to Faith Hill's "I Got My Baby" - I guess you could say Ethan and I shared a dance .

As time went on I began to focus again on my loss, or more appropriately, my experience. What I mean is I began to remember how blessed I have been - all of God's tender mercies, as well as my personal/spiritual growth.
Remembering has become necessary for me to find what peace I receive. Though I do mourn and long for my son (some days are still very painful) I know and understand of God's love for me.


If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.

He Said, God Said

Friends often ask me the reasoning/cause of my losing Ethan. My usual response is to repeat the medical explanation my obstetrician gave me:

Lab tests confirmed that there was an infection in the placenta. This infection caused a premature onset of labor. My doctor suspects that a combination of infection and a condition known as incompetent cervix (this simply means that I have a weak cervix that is subject to premature dilation) led to early delivery. Because I dilated so quickly, it was impossible to stop labor. My son was then born at 23 weeks gestation. Though his heart was strong, his lungs were not. The respiratory team was unable to stabilize Ethan's breathing. Ethan was pronounced dead 48 minutes after delivery.

Though the infection and incompetent cervix may explain the biological cause of my loss, I know that there is a higher purpose and reasoning for my loss - God's reasoning:

The night before I went into labor I received a priesthood blessing. In this blessing I was told that God was pleased with my decision to become a mother. In the hospital, during labor, I was given another blessing. I was told that what was going to happen was God's will. With prayer and contemplation, my testimony has led me to understanding. God trusted me with this experience because he knew that I could handle it. God sent me a perfect spirit who was in need of a body. This special spirit had no need to experience mortal life and had his own mission to accomplish in heaven. He came shortly only to receive the body he needs for exaltation. I am so blessed and privileged to be Ethan's mom. I know that biological factors explained by my doctor were needed in order to fulfill God's plan. *

My Conversation with God

It has become obvious to me that God and I have different plans for my life. I have received a distinct feeling that He does not want me to be a mother, yet, and He is waiting for me to fulfill another purpose first. I have spent several months trying to figure out what this purpose (or direction) is. I have applied for several jobs, have made myself available for service to many neighbors and friends, have volunteered to teach for LDS Family Services, etc. After all this I still receive a feeling that He is waiting for me to accomplish something. I want to be obedient. I want to fulfill my purpose - but I am tired and torn. The only thing I've ever wanted to be is a mother.

As I have mentioned before - I never have asked God "why?" - I know Ethan's life was short because he had his own mission in heaven. I cannot ask "why me?" - I consider myself blessed to be the mother of such a special and perfect spirit.

Of all the things I have learned in this life, I have learned that God's timing is perfect and I should trust in Him. And of everyone I know, I am one of the most patient... but my longing and desire to be a mom and to raise and hold my children makes me weary. I have wanted to be a mom ever since I can remember. I find joy in working with children. I have studied family and human development for eight years. I serve in nursery with 15 children. I teach a parenting class every week. My education and talents have been used for the good of so many others... So when I talk to God my question is not "why" but "when."

"When will I hold my children?"
"When will I raise the family I have been promised?"
"When will I find direction and purpose?"

I continue my conversation with God with a plea:

"Forgive me for wanting something I cannot yet have. But Thou has created my heart, my desires. Thou has blessed me and directed me in my education. Thou has given me a loving husband who adores children. Thou has blessed me with a taste of motherhood. Is it wrong for me to want the one thing I was created for?"

My words are not in anger - I cannot be angry with a Heavenly Father who has always shown His love for me. These words simply come from a heartbroken mother, one who loves God whole-heartedly.

What Gives Me Hope

For All Our Angel Dads

It is my prayer that this Father's Day we will all remember the Angel Dads. They have shed tears of sorrow and pain - and yet they continue to be a source of strength for us mothers.

A Father's Thoughts...

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and
of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed
for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you,
touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I’ll always be your father,
She’ll always be your mom.
You will always be our child
The child we had.

But now you’re gone...
but yet you’re here.
We’ll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There’s love in every tear.

Just know our love goes
deep and strong.
We’ll forget you never--
The child we had,
And will have forever.

--Author Unknown

The following was written by my husband... in memory of Ethan.

Our Little Boy

He came into this world so quiet and pure.

With tiny hands and little feet

Oh so perfect – that’s for sure.

He never moved a muscle,

He never made a sound,

The doctor said his heart was strong,

Then faded as time went on.

We realized he had been called back home,

A body is all he came to get.

Sure we wanted him to stay and play,

But a grander plan was in the works that day.

We say our good-byes and shed some tears,

Then smile because we know –

He will always be our little boy.

Good-bye Ethan. We will see you soon.

-- James Campbell

My Forever Friend

My husband and I will celebrate our third anniversary next week. As I reflect on our life together, I realize we have been through a lot together. Yes we have had a lifetime of trials in only three years of marriage, but we have also shared a great deal of laughter. My husband truly is my best friend. He is my confidant, my hero, my strength, and a great example of faith. He is the reason for my smile, my soul mate, and my eternal companion. It is because of him I am Ethan's mother. I look forward to the many years we will have together in this life, and the eternity that we will share together with our son. Happy anniversary sweetheart. I love you!

Service to Lift Sorrow

I believe that God gives us trial for our own growth and learning. One of the greatest lessons to be gained in this life is to love, to give, and to uplift those around us. Through trials we are taught.
Only after your heart has been broken can you understand the sorrow of others. With this understanding comes empathy and a desire to serve. It is through service that we learn to truly care for others. It is through service that you can find peace as you learn the love God has not only for others, but also for yourself. "You will find that the true key to happiness is to labor for the happiness of others" (True to the Faith, p. 162)

Help to Heal

I have received a request to share ideas of how others can help those who mourn. I have listed for you the numerous acts of kindness that I have received from family and friends. Other ideas can be found in articles listed under "how others can help" on the sidebar of this page.

• My mother-in-law bought me a pair of cozy pajamas and several boxes of tissue.
• My grandmother crocheted a beautiful blanket to bury our son in.
• My mother sewed a tiny white jumpsuit - also used to bury our son in.
• We received numerous meals
• Several visitors came to express their sympathy and offer help
• My sister understood that in my time of grief, it was difficult for me to concentrate. She made several phone-calls to help me figure out insurance.
• I received numerous plants and flowers that were reminders that people cared, and which brought life into our home.
• Our neighbors took us out for dinner
• Friends listened to me tell my story and were willing to look at pictures of our son - this was important to me as I wanted his life and existence to be recognized and remembered.

Some things to avoid include:

• Comparisons of losses
• Asking when the couple plans to "try again"
• Saying "you'll have more"
• Ignoring the loss

I understand that knowing what to say or do can be difficult - most people do not want to offend the bereaved. However, ignoring the loss can be hurtful to those you care for. If you cannot think of anything to do or say, a simple hug will often do the trick. You could even express "I don't know what to say." Acknowledgment of loss is important - no matter the loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death).

When helping others in their time of grief, we can look to the Savior.

The Savior provided the perfect example of how to respond to the pain and mourning of a loved one. After Lazarus’s death, Christ traveled to Bethany to be with Martha and Mary. To Martha He offered His testimony of life after death and asked her to reaffirm her testimony. When Mary expressed her grief over the loss of her brother, the scriptures simply state, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).

Mother's Day Thoughts

Remembering You on Mother's Day

No little hugs or kisses
to wake me up on this morn.
No special card or roses sent my way.
Bittersweet feelings, at least a thousand tears;
Quietly, I celebrated you this day.

I am not like the others,
Though I still wear the name.
I cannot hold you in my arms,
But I love you just the same.

I knelt beside your resting place,
Though I knew you were not there.
I prayed to God in Heaven:
A peace I found in knowing,
sweet child, you're in His care.

To see a mother with her baby-
How my heart breaks in two;
But never would I trade this pain
If it meant there had been no you.

At times I feel I cannot go on-
Living this life without you.
Yet hidden behind my deepest grief
There is joy unexpainably true.

For my [son], you will always be a blessing from above.
Your brief existence has bestowed on me a name I cherish dear.

And although this day is not what I imagined it to be,
I will treasure it because of you-
MY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY.

--- Jana Spigener

Hurtful Reminders

The ads and samples continue to come...

Small Being, Short Life, Enormous Impact

Weighing 1 pound 3.2 ounces, living for only 48 minutes, Ethan has changed my life forever. With the loss of my son, I have received three incredible gifts:

1. A greater testimony. I have learned more fully the concept of eternity, knowing that my family is a forever family. I also have a better understanding of the atonement and sacrifice of my savior - knowing that it is through Him I can be healed, made clean, and receive eternal life.



2. A knowledge of God's hand in my life. Trials are given to us so that we can grow. We have a loving Father in Heaven who assists us in our trials by bestowing tender mercies upon us.

3. A greater capacity of love and compassion for others. My heart is more open. I have a sensitivity to the trials that others face, I am more empathetic, and I have a greater desire to serve.



It is true that our greatest trials are our greatest blesssings.

Being Blunt

Keeping this blog has been somewhat difficult for me. By nature I am a VERY private person. However, I keep writing in hope that my experiences and words may be helpful to others.

Almost two years ago, a year and a half before Ethan's birth, I experienced a miscarriage. Very few people knew about my miscarriage. Just a couple of months ago I told my mother. It was truly a difficult experience, and painful physically as well as emotionally. I discovered I was pregnant and my husband and I decided not to tell anyone until we safely made it through the first trimester. We didn't make it that far. After my loss, we decided to keep silent as we did not want questions. We figured that if people knew we were trying to begin a family, they would want a weekly update on whether or not we had conceived. Unfortunately, questions came anyway. I mean we are LDS and had been married a year... why weren't we pregnant?! After losing Ethan, I have received many inquiries about whether or not I'm trying to get pregnant again. The answer is no. If things had gone as planned it would only be one month after Ethan's birth. We feel we need to mourn before "jumping back in". Curious minds would ask, when will you try again? Not anytime soon. Ethan has a special place in my heart, I do not want to feel as though I am trying to replace him. We pray that our family and friends will be understanding.

I caution everyone, do not question couples about their plan for starting a family. You do not know what they are experiencing. The timing of children is a personal matter and should be left to the couple and Heavenly Father.

I have been extremely blessed to have understanding parents. They never pry and have been very supportive. Many of my angel mom friends have not been so lucky. Please feel free to use this blog to communicate your own feelings.

If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.

Addressed to Heaven

Dear Ethan,

Mommy misses you dearly. Your squishy little cheeks, your small breathless lips, and your sweet angelic spirit.

I had but a moment to hold you in my arms, but will hold you forever in my heart.

My eyes weep as they long to see you... my ears yearn to hear your cry... my lips long to kiss you... my arms ache to hold you... and my soul prays to be in your presence once again.

I look forward to the moment when we will be reunited...

Forever and Always,

Your Mother

Unexpected Emotions

Six days after Ethan's birth, I found myself in a very cheerful mood. I had spent the day with my sister, celebrating my nephew's birthday. Minutes after I returned home the doorbell rang. There stood another "angel mom" and she began to sob. She told me how sorry she was for my loss - and I began to feel guilty. There I was with a smile on my face while this mother wept. Shouldn't I be crying? This mother then told me her story of loss. At first I was comforted to realize that there were other people who understood my grief, but as we continued to visit I became annoyed. My visitor went on and on about her loss... I found myself comforting her... shouldn't she be comforting me?

Later that evening my husband returned home from work. I found myself complaining to my husband about my afternoon visit. "I am the one grieving," "She should be consoling me." The more I complained the more infuriated I became.

That night we knelt for family prayer. I began the prayer as I often do - thanking God for our blessings. The spirit then guided my words as I prayed for forgiveness of my bitter feelings. It then occurred to me that perhaps I was given this trial in order to help other grieving mothers. Had I failed? I realize that anger and bitterness are emotions that come with grief. And no mother should feel guilty for experiencing these emotions. But allowing these emotions to rule your life is not acceptable. Allowing these emotions to rule your life will not lead you to the peace and happiness that you hope for.

Dealing with the Due Date

The day I have been dreading for four months has now come and gone. Friday was the day that Ethan was supposed to be born. I've feared facing this day thinking that it would only bring heartache as I long to hold the baby that I miss. I've wanted to get past this day because I knew it would be difficult. On the other-hand, I didn't want this day to come. So many individuals have told me that once March 13th was in the past, I would be able to "leave the experience behind me". Though their intentions were good, these words hurt. Of course I want to move forward, but I do not want to leave the experience behind. I want my son to be remembered. As difficult as losing him has been, I am so blessed to be his mother and happy that he is a part of my life. He always will be...

Friday was not easy, but was not as bad as I imagined it would be. I am so blessed to have my family so close. I was able to spend time with my nephews and niece. Their laughter and smiles bring joy into my heart. My mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother took me out to lunch. I feel so blessed to know that so many people care. For you angel moms, try to surround yourself with loved ones even if you'd rather withdraw. It seems to make my experience a little bit easier.

Below is a poem that has touched my heart.

Treasures in Heaven

They say that Heaven's wonderful
Its beauty is divine
A place where we shall meet again
With loved ones, yours and mine.
It is a place of peace and love
A vale so pure and fair,
But Heaven can't be Heaven
Without a child there.

My baby was perfection
A goal is set for me
To keep me climbing upward
To a greater destiny.
His heart strings taught 'bout my feet
His silent voice calls clear,
And when the moon beams light the night
I often feel him near.

The greatest touch of Heaven
That ever brightens earth
Is the coming of a spirit
In the miracle of birth.
To fathom Heaven's mysteries
I would not try or care
But I know that there are angels
For my child's waiting there.

Dear Lord, forgive my hearts complaint
I did not understand
The magic of a child's smile
And soft warmth of its hand
The power of its winning ways
And innocence so sweet
Are needed up in Heaven
to make it more complete.

And after I have dried my tears
This thought, Dear Lord, breaks through
That he was yours as well as mine
You loved my baby too.
I wanted him to stay so much,
But life is full of care
You have called and Heaven
Will be sweeter with him there.

I give him back Dear Father
This baby that's yours and mine,
And wait until you call for me
In your appointed time.
I know he will be waiting
With all his many charms
And Heaven will be Heaven
When I take him in my arms.

--Leona H. Carlson

"Tender Mercies" During Times of Trial

"...the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."
--Elder David A. Bednar

The loss of my son is by far the greatest trial I have faced here in mortality. The lonliness, the pain, and the tears are difficult to leave behind. Most individuals, during a time of trial, often ask "why?" I cannot bring myself to ask this question simply because of the tender mercies the Lord has bestowed upon me. I'll explain with my story of Ethan's delivery.

The night before I went into labor, I asked my husband to give me a priesthood blessing. My reasons for the blessing were unrelated to the son we were about to have. However, in the blessing I was told how pleased my Heavenly Father was with my decision to become a mother and that I would be a great example of service for my children to follow. On November 13, 2008 I began to feel some aching in my back and I would get an occasional sharp pain in my abdomen. The back pain was "normal" I had felt it throughout my pregnancy. The stomach pains came and went for a while. Soon my husband returned home from work. I wasn't sure what to do, but my husband decided that he would get our neighbor, a nurse. Our neighbor asked me a couple of questions, and with a phone call to the doctor she worked with it was determined that I should go to labor and delivery. Once I was checked in a nurse examined me to discover that I was fully dilated - there was no stopping him. While we waited for the pediatrician to arrive, the on-call OBGYN asked my husband if he would like assistance in giving me a blessing. The blessing was short and simply stated "know that what happens is God's will". The pediatrician arrived and immediately my son was delivered. After 25 minutes of trying to stabilize my son's breathing, the pediatrician handed me my son. I had another 20 minutes to hold my son before he returned to his Heavenly Father. I was released from the hospital just after midnight.

The following morning I received a letter in the mail from my four-year-old niece. Note that she had written this letter several days before Ethan's birth. The letter contained a picture of me and my husband with a baby in my belly. Under the picture she wrote "it's a boy". There was a second when I wanted to cry, but then I realized that Ethan's birth should still be celebrated as it was truly a miracle.

My Ethan's timing was perfect. I realize that Heavenly Father allowed him to develop just enough that he could claim his body. If he had waited to come just one more week his survival rate would have been much greater. If he came a day earlier he may not of lived at all. Ethan came to us on a Thursday evening. My husband was able to take me to the hospital, and only missed two days of work because the weekend was near. The following months I was to be surrounded by my family members as they had previously arranged their holiday vacations.

Over the last three months I have come to realize that Heavenly Father will not give us a trial without bestowing upon us his tender mercies. However, it is up to us to recognize these blessings. The priesthood blessings, the neighbor, the on-call doctor, the pediatrician, the timing of events, and the sweet letter from my niece are just some of the tender mercies I have received during this my greatest trial. Our Heavenly Father does love us - I know it now more than ever!

The Reason for this Blog

Since the passing of our son, many brokenhearted mothers have shared with me their stories of loss. For many, their greatest desire is that their child is not forgotten. Unfortunately, we as human-beings may express our sympathies but then we move on with our own lives leaving these mothers to mourn alone. Do you notice the woman who cries at church with every baby blessing? Do you notice the woman who works extra long hours to avoid going home to an empty nursery? You may be amazed at how strong these women appear as they tell you that they are doing fine, but the truth is they cry through the night praying for peace and the support of a good friend.

I hope to share my stories and experiences with these mothers to let them know that they are not alone. My heart aches to know of their confusion, pain, and loneliness. We may have experienced a different form of loss (miscarriage, still born, infant death) and we may all react to our loss in different ways - but we all have a loving Heavenly Father. With time and faith we can learn to enjoy life again - though it will never be the same.