The day I have been dreading for four months has now come and gone. Friday was the day that Ethan was supposed to be born. I've feared facing this day thinking that it would only bring heartache as I long to hold the baby that I miss. I've wanted to get past this day because I knew it would be difficult. On the other-hand, I didn't want this day to come. So many individuals have told me that once March 13th was in the past, I would be able to "leave the experience behind me". Though their intentions were good, these words hurt. Of course I want to move forward, but I do not want to leave the experience behind. I want my son to be remembered. As difficult as losing him has been, I am so blessed to be his mother and happy that he is a part of my life. He always will be...
Friday was not easy, but was not as bad as I imagined it would be. I am so blessed to have my family so close. I was able to spend time with my nephews and niece. Their laughter and smiles bring joy into my heart. My mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother took me out to lunch. I feel so blessed to know that so many people care. For you angel moms, try to surround yourself with loved ones even if you'd rather withdraw. It seems to make my experience a little bit easier.
Below is a poem that has touched my heart.
Treasures in Heaven
They say that Heaven's wonderful
Its beauty is divine
A place where we shall meet again
With loved ones, yours and mine.
It is a place of peace and love
A vale so pure and fair,
But Heaven can't be Heaven
Without a child there.
My baby was perfection
A goal is set for me
To keep me climbing upward
To a greater destiny.
His heart strings taught 'bout my feet
His silent voice calls clear,
And when the moon beams light the night
I often feel him near.
The greatest touch of Heaven
That ever brightens earth
Is the coming of a spirit
In the miracle of birth.
To fathom Heaven's mysteries
I would not try or care
But I know that there are angels
For my child's waiting there.
Dear Lord, forgive my hearts complaint
I did not understand
The magic of a child's smile
And soft warmth of its hand
The power of its winning ways
And innocence so sweet
Are needed up in Heaven
to make it more complete.
And after I have dried my tears
This thought, Dear Lord, breaks through
That he was yours as well as mine
You loved my baby too.
I wanted him to stay so much,
But life is full of care
You have called and Heaven
Will be sweeter with him there.
I give him back Dear Father
This baby that's yours and mine,
And wait until you call for me
In your appointed time.
I know he will be waiting
With all his many charms
And Heaven will be Heaven
When I take him in my arms.
--Leona H. Carlson
8 comments:
Thank you for writing this...all of it, and for sharing your testimony, and the simple power in your words.
(((HUGS))) I knew your due date was close, but I couldn't remember it exactly. I'm glad it wasn't as difficult for you as your imagined. I feel sorry for the people saying that you can move on now. Apparently they have never been in a similar circumstance and are very ignorant. I wish people would realize that heartache does not just go away because it's been a certain amount of time :( I guess that's one reason we have to go through heartache. We need to teach others who haven't been through it what to do and say. ((HUGS)) again. Call me if you need to chat.
After posting this poem, I received a call from my aunt. It turns out that this poem was written for her by my great-aunt back in 1967. Funny thing is, neither of us know how this ended up in my possession, or who gave it to me. My aunt has the original, handwritten copy.
That is awesome about the poem JaNae. What beautiful words. Isn't our Heavenly Father great...to send us into family units so we have support to deal with the downs of life and someone to celebrate the ups with? We are truly loved and blessed. Thanks for being such a great example and friend. Love you! :)
Janae-I think of you lots. I miss our Sunday chats. I'm glad I stumbled upon your blog and got to read it. Thanks for sharing.
Janae, this is Traci Weston! I stumbled upon your blog, and I'm so glad I found it! You are the sweetest person ever. Reading through your posts, I just wept!! You have an amazing ability to make people feel the spirit through your words. You are so strong and are such an inspiration to me!
JaNae, they installed Evan's headstone at the cemetary this past week. It's become a holy place for me and Craig. We go there every Sunday after church and sit and think and feel Evan nearby. Thank you for sharing your experience and letting us be a part of it. Bless you and James both.
What we go through in life is what makes us who we are, all of the good and all of the bad. How awesome that you have an eternal family! I'm so glad to see you doing what you can to help out your fellow "man", what a good example of trying to follow in His footsteps. Our lives have been blessed having you and James in it. Our prayers are with you. The Bairs
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