Friends often ask me the reasoning/cause of my losing Ethan. My usual response is to repeat the medical explanation my obstetrician gave me:
Lab tests confirmed that there was an infection in the placenta. This infection caused a premature onset of labor. My doctor suspects that a combination of infection and a condition known as incompetent cervix (this simply means that I have a weak cervix that is subject to premature dilation) led to early delivery. Because I dilated so quickly, it was impossible to stop labor. My son was then born at 23 weeks gestation. Though his heart was strong, his lungs were not. The respiratory team was unable to stabilize Ethan's breathing. Ethan was pronounced dead 48 minutes after delivery.
Though the infection and incompetent cervix may explain the biological cause of my loss, I know that there is a higher purpose and reasoning for my loss - God's reasoning:
The night before I went into labor I received a priesthood blessing. In this blessing I was told that God was pleased with my decision to become a mother. In the hospital, during labor, I was given another blessing. I was told that what was going to happen was God's will. With prayer and contemplation, my testimony has led me to understanding. God trusted me with this experience because he knew that I could handle it. God sent me a perfect spirit who was in need of a body. This special spirit had no need to experience mortal life and had his own mission to accomplish in heaven. He came shortly only to receive the body he needs for exaltation. I am so blessed and privileged to be Ethan's mom. I know that biological factors explained by my doctor were needed in order to fulfill God's plan. *
3 comments:
I'm 23 weeks today and my mind was on you. Can I just say how much I admire you? Your never-ending faith humbles me. Like you, I feel very blessed by my Father in heaven for all that he has given me, and your faith and trust in the Lord serves as an example to me. Thanks for sharing your story to all of us.
I love to read of your complete faith in our loving Heavenly Father. I heard in a talk the other day that having faith in God is also having faith in God's timing. Thanks for sharing your testimony!
It helps to understand the physiological reasons for a death, but it doesn't really take away the "why", does it? We've never received an adequate answer as to what exactly happened to Evan, why we lost him so quickly. He was with us one minute and then the next was struggling for breath, and then the next he was gone. We've never understood why. I wish we had more answers. It makes us afraid. The only answer I've recieved came from the Spirit. The answer is that it was the Lord's will and He took Evan. That's all I know. It's not quite enough, but it's all I have for now. I hope someday to understand. Love you, JaNae. We're praying for you and James and for all of us who have loved and lost.
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