The Question

I am often asked... "So do you have any children?' I never know exactly how to answer this question. Of course I want to recognize Ethan, but if I say yes "how many?" or "how old?" is bound to follow. I then have to explain what happened and the conversation becomes completely awkward. I've tried answering "no," but this is also awkward when someone who knows about Ethan is standing nearby - not to mention that it doesn't feel honest. Do any of you angel moms have a suggestion? This situation occurs far too often.

Dear Baby

Written February 2010

Dear Baby,

I want you to know how much I already love you. I've been wating for you to arrive since the day I left you in heaven. Your brother has already come for a visit and he reminded me of all the love I have in my heart. I can't wait to share this love with you.

I think of you often and long to hold you. We had a plan in heaven to become a family - and our family here will not be complete until you arrive.

I am so happy that our Heavenly Father has made it possible that we can share eternity together.

Always and Forever,

Your Mother

Pregnancy After Loss

Written January 11, 2010

My heart is torn as I write this. I know very well the sting that my news may bring to you mothers who have recently lost... I am pregnant. I have a waterfall of emotions pouring through me right now. First, and foremost, I am grateful. Every chance I have at becoming a mother is such a blessing. Every day begins with a prayer of thanks - I am so happy to have survived another day without another loss. However, I am not ignorant. In fact I am painfully aware that losing a child may not be a once in a lifetime experience. I can't help comparing this pregnancy to the last and often the anxiety becomes unbearable. I am constantly praying that I will be able to keep and raise this child.

At times, I actually find myself excited. This never lasts long as I want to protect myself from disappointment. Is it possible to remain hopeful for another six months?

Multiple Posts

Okay... so it's been a long time since I've posted. I've been without the internet, but finally have a chance to catch up. I have been keeping notes on some of my thoughts, so here it goes.