He Said, God Said

Friends often ask me the reasoning/cause of my losing Ethan. My usual response is to repeat the medical explanation my obstetrician gave me:

Lab tests confirmed that there was an infection in the placenta. This infection caused a premature onset of labor. My doctor suspects that a combination of infection and a condition known as incompetent cervix (this simply means that I have a weak cervix that is subject to premature dilation) led to early delivery. Because I dilated so quickly, it was impossible to stop labor. My son was then born at 23 weeks gestation. Though his heart was strong, his lungs were not. The respiratory team was unable to stabilize Ethan's breathing. Ethan was pronounced dead 48 minutes after delivery.

Though the infection and incompetent cervix may explain the biological cause of my loss, I know that there is a higher purpose and reasoning for my loss - God's reasoning:

The night before I went into labor I received a priesthood blessing. In this blessing I was told that God was pleased with my decision to become a mother. In the hospital, during labor, I was given another blessing. I was told that what was going to happen was God's will. With prayer and contemplation, my testimony has led me to understanding. God trusted me with this experience because he knew that I could handle it. God sent me a perfect spirit who was in need of a body. This special spirit had no need to experience mortal life and had his own mission to accomplish in heaven. He came shortly only to receive the body he needs for exaltation. I am so blessed and privileged to be Ethan's mom. I know that biological factors explained by my doctor were needed in order to fulfill God's plan. *

My Conversation with God

It has become obvious to me that God and I have different plans for my life. I have received a distinct feeling that He does not want me to be a mother, yet, and He is waiting for me to fulfill another purpose first. I have spent several months trying to figure out what this purpose (or direction) is. I have applied for several jobs, have made myself available for service to many neighbors and friends, have volunteered to teach for LDS Family Services, etc. After all this I still receive a feeling that He is waiting for me to accomplish something. I want to be obedient. I want to fulfill my purpose - but I am tired and torn. The only thing I've ever wanted to be is a mother.

As I have mentioned before - I never have asked God "why?" - I know Ethan's life was short because he had his own mission in heaven. I cannot ask "why me?" - I consider myself blessed to be the mother of such a special and perfect spirit.

Of all the things I have learned in this life, I have learned that God's timing is perfect and I should trust in Him. And of everyone I know, I am one of the most patient... but my longing and desire to be a mom and to raise and hold my children makes me weary. I have wanted to be a mom ever since I can remember. I find joy in working with children. I have studied family and human development for eight years. I serve in nursery with 15 children. I teach a parenting class every week. My education and talents have been used for the good of so many others... So when I talk to God my question is not "why" but "when."

"When will I hold my children?"
"When will I raise the family I have been promised?"
"When will I find direction and purpose?"

I continue my conversation with God with a plea:

"Forgive me for wanting something I cannot yet have. But Thou has created my heart, my desires. Thou has blessed me and directed me in my education. Thou has given me a loving husband who adores children. Thou has blessed me with a taste of motherhood. Is it wrong for me to want the one thing I was created for?"

My words are not in anger - I cannot be angry with a Heavenly Father who has always shown His love for me. These words simply come from a heartbroken mother, one who loves God whole-heartedly.