Caution and Clarification

After my last post, I feel that people may have had the wrong impression. My intention was not to diminish the tragedy of a miscarriage. My intention was to simply point out that there is a difference in losses.

At the time of my miscarriage, it was the greatest trial (and most tragic experience) of my life. But now I feel that it was one of God's ways to prepare me for Ethan's death. I cannot and will not speculate when life begins... With any loss a heart is broken.

Also, I want to point out that I don't get angry with people who don't understand. Their words may hurt, but most often their intentions are good and they are genuinely concerned. Truthfully, if I had not experienced my losses I might have made similar mistakes. And I will most likely continue making mistakes as I have not experienced the trials of others and do not have full understanding of what others endure.

Same, but Different

It always bothers me when people refer to Ethan's death as a miscarriage. Yes there are many similarities. Both are a result of a failed pregnancy. The body and mind undergo a great deal of stress. There is a loss and a mourning related to both situations. But as someone who has experienced both, there is a great deal of difference. With my miscarriage, it was painful, but the loss I experienced was more a loss of the opportunity to be a mother. I did not feel as though I lost a child - just an opportunity. Many other women who have experienced a miscarriage have expressed different feelings, and I have often felt guilty. Should I have had a greater bond?

With the loss of Ethan, I yearn to see him and hold him and know him. I have always found great comfort in knowing that he lived for 48 minutes. We bonded. We saw his face. He had a name. I didn't consider myself a mother until he came along. So having experienced these two losses differently, I become irritated when others refer to Ethan's death as a miscarriage. It is important to me that others recognize that my son lived.

Below are the medical terms used to describe the different types of pregnancy loss:

• miscarriage = 0-12 weeks gestation
  
• late miscarriage = 12-20 weeks gestation
  
• stillborn= death of a baby in the womb after 20 weeks
  
• neonatal death = a baby dies within 28 days of birth (often occurs because a baby had birth defects or was born early)
  

Struggle to Remember

The first several weeks after experiencing Ethan's death I wanted so desperately to forget the events of that awful night. I kept re-living the pain of my loss. I could not shake the images and emotions. I knew that I wanted to remember my son, yet I did not want to re-live the nightmare. I remember someone telling me how difficult it was for her to go to places where she had gone with her lost children because of all the memories. I understood that heartache - but for me the only memory I had of my son was losing him. How could I remember and love my son without experiencing the painful memories? It occurred to me that I had spent five months with Ethan. I tried focusing on the memories of my pregnancy. At first it was difficult to remember anything good - I had experienced 18 weeks of morning (daytime, evening, night) sickness. Soon I remembered the day I discovered I was pregnant and the joy my husband and I experienced as we kept our little secret. I then remembered the day we found out we were expecting a boy and how fun it was to watch Ethan squirm and hide. I remember being home alone, listening to Faith Hill's "I Got My Baby" - I guess you could say Ethan and I shared a dance .

As time went on I began to focus again on my loss, or more appropriately, my experience. What I mean is I began to remember how blessed I have been - all of God's tender mercies, as well as my personal/spiritual growth.
Remembering has become necessary for me to find what peace I receive. Though I do mourn and long for my son (some days are still very painful) I know and understand of God's love for me.


If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.