Small Being, Short Life, Enormous Impact

Weighing 1 pound 3.2 ounces, living for only 48 minutes, Ethan has changed my life forever. With the loss of my son, I have received three incredible gifts:

1. A greater testimony. I have learned more fully the concept of eternity, knowing that my family is a forever family. I also have a better understanding of the atonement and sacrifice of my savior - knowing that it is through Him I can be healed, made clean, and receive eternal life.



2. A knowledge of God's hand in my life. Trials are given to us so that we can grow. We have a loving Father in Heaven who assists us in our trials by bestowing tender mercies upon us.

3. A greater capacity of love and compassion for others. My heart is more open. I have a sensitivity to the trials that others face, I am more empathetic, and I have a greater desire to serve.



It is true that our greatest trials are our greatest blesssings.

Being Blunt

Keeping this blog has been somewhat difficult for me. By nature I am a VERY private person. However, I keep writing in hope that my experiences and words may be helpful to others.

Almost two years ago, a year and a half before Ethan's birth, I experienced a miscarriage. Very few people knew about my miscarriage. Just a couple of months ago I told my mother. It was truly a difficult experience, and painful physically as well as emotionally. I discovered I was pregnant and my husband and I decided not to tell anyone until we safely made it through the first trimester. We didn't make it that far. After my loss, we decided to keep silent as we did not want questions. We figured that if people knew we were trying to begin a family, they would want a weekly update on whether or not we had conceived. Unfortunately, questions came anyway. I mean we are LDS and had been married a year... why weren't we pregnant?! After losing Ethan, I have received many inquiries about whether or not I'm trying to get pregnant again. The answer is no. If things had gone as planned it would only be one month after Ethan's birth. We feel we need to mourn before "jumping back in". Curious minds would ask, when will you try again? Not anytime soon. Ethan has a special place in my heart, I do not want to feel as though I am trying to replace him. We pray that our family and friends will be understanding.

I caution everyone, do not question couples about their plan for starting a family. You do not know what they are experiencing. The timing of children is a personal matter and should be left to the couple and Heavenly Father.

I have been extremely blessed to have understanding parents. They never pry and have been very supportive. Many of my angel mom friends have not been so lucky. Please feel free to use this blog to communicate your own feelings.

If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.

Addressed to Heaven

Dear Ethan,

Mommy misses you dearly. Your squishy little cheeks, your small breathless lips, and your sweet angelic spirit.

I had but a moment to hold you in my arms, but will hold you forever in my heart.

My eyes weep as they long to see you... my ears yearn to hear your cry... my lips long to kiss you... my arms ache to hold you... and my soul prays to be in your presence once again.

I look forward to the moment when we will be reunited...

Forever and Always,

Your Mother