Keeping this blog has been somewhat difficult for me. By nature I am a VERY private person. However, I keep writing in hope that my experiences and words may be helpful to others.
Almost two years ago, a year and a half before Ethan's birth, I experienced a miscarriage. Very few people knew about my miscarriage. Just a couple of months ago I told my mother. It was truly a difficult experience, and painful physically as well as emotionally. I discovered I was pregnant and my husband and I decided not to tell anyone until we safely made it through the first trimester. We didn't make it that far. After my loss, we decided to keep silent as we did not want questions. We figured that if people knew we were trying to begin a family, they would want a weekly update on whether or not we had conceived. Unfortunately, questions came anyway. I mean we are LDS and had been married a year... why weren't we pregnant?! After losing Ethan, I have received many inquiries about whether or not I'm trying to get pregnant again. The answer is no. If things had gone as planned it would only be one month after Ethan's birth. We feel we need to mourn before "jumping back in". Curious minds would ask, when will you try again? Not anytime soon. Ethan has a special place in my heart, I do not want to feel as though I am trying to replace him. We pray that our family and friends will be understanding.
I caution everyone, do not question couples about their plan for starting a family. You do not know what they are experiencing. The timing of children is a personal matter and should be left to the couple and Heavenly Father.
I have been extremely blessed to have understanding parents. They never pry and have been very supportive. Many of my angel mom friends have not been so lucky. Please feel free to use this blog to communicate your own feelings.
If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.
9 comments:
I agree completely. I've lost two babies, both very early on. And although I never saw them of felt them move, they were so very much a part of me. And although I am now pregnant with #3, and I feel like things will go well, I still spend most of the day worrying and praying for this little one to get here safely. Many times people who are not very aware with what has happened have asked if we are trying and we we plan to have kids, the emotions it brings up are overwhelming. I pray for, and give my love to anyone who has or will lose a child.
Yea Janae, I am so glad that you said what is in your heart. I remember those comments. Most helped me to heal but some hurt me deep inside. Thank you for sharing with all of us. I had to remember thru the years that many people didn't mean harm but their words can be remembered for years. Hang in there, we love you guys and our prayers are with you.
JaNae~ I love keeping up on your blog. Though I haven't experienced first hand what you have gone through I have friends who have. Your words are from your heart and that helps me to understand your situation better. You are, and always have been, a person that I admire and look up to. You are truly an example of strength to me. I know you have hard days. I pray for you often! much love
Although I have not experienced losses like yours, Jeff and I had a hard time getting pregnant. I truly understand the pain that comes when those comments came from others. I soon came to find out a lot more people than I originally thought have problems. It just seemed like everyone around me had absolutely no problems in this area, when in fact many people have a story similar to each of ours. Thank you for your honesty. I know it will increase understanding and sensitivity on the subject.
I am glad to hear you sharing your stories. I am sure you are helping many people out there,though some may be too shy to let you know. Like Aubree said, MANY people have problems in that area but they keep it to themselves. You are doing the right thing by sharing it with others and I pray it will help you in your healing process.
Janae,
Thank you so much for your blog. I can understand how it would be so hard to open up and let others in to your tragedy. Also, thank you for trying to educate everyone on how to behave. I know that some never have to go through any loss, and they need to be aware of the things they say. (((HUGS))) and let me know if you want to get together again.
Emily
I love reading your blog. A loss of a pregnancy is often a private experience and I am learning a lot through your openness that will hopefully help me be a more compassionate person than I was before. Thank you for having the courage to share your deepest hurt to help others. It has helped me.
My daughter is 6 and I'm starting to get the hesitant questions from others about having another one. Fortunately for me it has been a personal choice to not try to have another child. It's kind of amusing to me how socially unacceptable it is to admit that you don't want another child at that time, and for personal reasons. I truly believe that it's a very personal conversation with Heavenly Father.
I hear so many people say that well-meant comments after a loss actually were hurtful. If you can, and others as well, please share some examples so that I can know what to do or say (or not) to comfort/support a grieving friend.
I was just referred to this blog by a friend. We lost a little boy in Janurary of 2005. It took us almost 4 years to be ready to try again. It was hard when people asked us when we were going to have a baby, but we knew that we weren't ready for another one. I appreciate you saying the things on this blog that I felt and thought just a few years ago. It is something you don't understand unless you have been there, but hopefully your words will help others understand a little better. I love your pictures of your little angel. They remind me of my precious boy. I have pictures of Zack and I am grateful you have some pictures of your baby. Thank you for sharing, we all need to help lift and support each other.
Thanks for saying it!
I'm just reading your blog for the first time. Sorry it took me so long.
Your words are so powerful. I am so sad for your loss and always hope that you and James can let your love and support for each other brighten your path.
Azmie and I have been married now for over 3 years. We get "the questions" all the time, and now even more that we are visiting Azmie's family in Malaysia, where their religious and family culture is so similar to that of ours in Utah.
I always imagine that people are wondering what's wrong with us that we don't have children yet.
I know it's so commonly asked because, well, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage, right?
Well, for us, the time has not yet come that we would be blessed with a baby. So we are focusing on the love and the marriage part. We HAVE started our family, with just the 2 of us, and I am so thankful and feel so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving and supportive husband.
...even if our extra bedroom is still just a guest bedroom.
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