The first several weeks after experiencing Ethan's death I wanted so desperately to forget the events of that awful night. I kept re-living the pain of my loss. I could not shake the images and emotions. I knew that I wanted to remember my son, yet I did not want to re-live the nightmare. I remember someone telling me how difficult it was for her to go to places where she had gone with her lost children because of all the memories. I understood that heartache - but for me the only memory I had of my son was losing him. How could I remember and love my son without experiencing the painful memories? It occurred to me that I had spent five months with Ethan. I tried focusing on the memories of my pregnancy. At first it was difficult to remember anything good - I had experienced 18 weeks of morning (daytime, evening, night) sickness. Soon I remembered the day I discovered I was pregnant and the joy my husband and I experienced as we kept our little secret. I then remembered the day we found out we were expecting a boy and how fun it was to watch Ethan squirm and hide. I remember being home alone, listening to Faith Hill's "I Got My Baby" - I guess you could say Ethan and I shared a dance .
As time went on I began to focus again on my loss, or more appropriately, my experience. What I mean is I began to remember how blessed I have been - all of God's tender mercies, as well as my personal/spiritual growth.Remembering has become necessary for me to find what peace I receive. Though I do mourn and long for my son (some days are still very painful) I know and understand of God's love for me.
If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.
7 comments:
Your blog makes me so grateful for what I have. We were due about the same time and sometimes I think of Ethan when Alina is being a little stinker and I find myself more patient and loving than I was. I am sorry for your loss and I want to let you know that your loss makes me a better mom!
Clarissa
Janae, thanks for sharing. I think this makes all of us better people by feeling some of your pain through this blog. Maybe we will all be a little kinder, a little less jugding, more loving towards children and grandchildren whenit is difficult to be. Maybe we can all remember they are all God's children and w are only helper to help them achieve what our Father sent them here to do. Thanks for sharing
Love, Aunt Marion
Thanks for sharing your story and being so honest about your feelings. When I read your blog it reminds me of the importance of trusting the in Lord with all our hearts and leaning not to our own understanding. I'm so glad you've chosen to let your experience make you better and not bitter. Life really is a good gift from God! Keep smiling.
JaNae,
I think you know I read your blog faithfully. I really appreciate you putting your experience and emotions out there for others to learn from.
(((HUGS)))
Emily
Amazing how reality changes when we have an eternal perspective and faith.
Janae I had no idea of your loss. I can't imagine going through such an experience. Your strength is amazing and I'm sure its a daily struggle. But he will always be your little boy. Thanks for sharing your experience. It puts things in perspective.
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