It has become obvious to me that God and I have different plans for my life. I have received a distinct feeling that He does not want me to be a mother, yet, and He is waiting for me to fulfill another purpose first. I have spent several months trying to figure out what this purpose (or direction) is. I have applied for several jobs, have made myself available for service to many neighbors and friends, have volunteered to teach for LDS Family Services, etc. After all this I still receive a feeling that He is waiting for me to accomplish something. I want to be obedient. I want to fulfill my purpose - but I am tired and torn. The only thing I've ever wanted to be is a mother.
As I have mentioned before - I never have asked God "why?" - I know Ethan's life was short because he had his own mission in heaven. I cannot ask "why me?" - I consider myself blessed to be the mother of such a special and perfect spirit.
Of all the things I have learned in this life, I have learned that God's timing is perfect and I should trust in Him. And of everyone I know, I am one of the most patient... but my longing and desire to be a mom and to raise and hold my children makes me weary. I have wanted to be a mom ever since I can remember. I find joy in working with children. I have studied family and human development for eight years. I serve in nursery with 15 children. I teach a parenting class every week. My education and talents have been used for the good of so many others... So when I talk to God my question is not "why" but "when."
"When will I hold my children?"
"When will I raise the family I have been promised?"
"When will I find direction and purpose?"
I continue my conversation with God with a plea:
"Forgive me for wanting something I cannot yet have. But Thou has created my heart, my desires. Thou has blessed me and directed me in my education. Thou has given me a loving husband who adores children. Thou has blessed me with a taste of motherhood. Is it wrong for me to want the one thing I was created for?"
My words are not in anger - I cannot be angry with a Heavenly Father who has always shown His love for me. These words simply come from a heartbroken mother, one who loves God whole-heartedly.
7 comments:
JaNae, I have these same feelings. I have obviously not had the wait and and hurt that you have, but somewhat. I am promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will raise children, but I don't know if it's in this life or the next. I hope for both of us that it's in this one :)
P.S. We need to play again. We should do dinner or something.
P.S.S. I met your father-in-law yesterday :)
Love you guys!
Janae you are so much stronger than I am. I seriously question everyday why me? Why do I get this trial? Can't I have another one please. Please know that your strength gives me strength. I hope everything is going good with your in-laws. We need to walk again soon. :)
You took the words right out of my mouth. I've also been searching for what I am supposed to accomplish. I know that He has a reason for everything and have never questioned that. I, too, feel like I am blessed to be the mom to an angel. Hopefully we can figure it out soon :) I can't tell you how much I look forward to reading what you write. It helps me so much. Take care and I hope things fall into place for you soon :)
Amber
Dear JaNae, I love how honest and simple you are. I admire (and share) your strong desire to be a mother and love your humble attitude about Heavenly Father's timing.
You probably figured out by now that things don't get easier for grieving families after their loss, and WHEN IT RAINS - IT POURS. It seems natural to assume that we will be protected from additional challenges while we are dealing with one of the biggest trials possible; but unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way.
I also have a testimony about Heavenly Father's wisdom in everything He let our family experience in the past. I know that "if God brings us to it, He will bring us through it".
You have a special light about you, and I know that with such attitude you will earn not only the blessings you are asking for, but also all the choicest blessings that Heavenly Father himself has in store for you MUCH faster. I absolutely admire you.
Natalia
You don't know me but I read your blog and my heart aches for you. Thanks for being so honest about your feelings. Keep being patient and faithful. Read D&C 98:103. I know you will find fulfillment and complete joy someday. And it will be all the sweeter because of what you're going through now. Shine on!!!
My Evelyn loves you. You are such a great nursery leader, even if it is hard for you. The kids can feel your love. When you brought me dinner & Lilly gave you a smile, I felt a little welled up inside. I know that smile was meant for you.
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