I am often asked... "So do you have any children?' I never know exactly how to answer this question. Of course I want to recognize Ethan, but if I say yes "how many?" or "how old?" is bound to follow. I then have to explain what happened and the conversation becomes completely awkward. I've tried answering "no," but this is also awkward when someone who knows about Ethan is standing nearby - not to mention that it doesn't feel honest. Do any of you angel moms have a suggestion? This situation occurs far too often.Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Question
I am often asked... "So do you have any children?' I never know exactly how to answer this question. Of course I want to recognize Ethan, but if I say yes "how many?" or "how old?" is bound to follow. I then have to explain what happened and the conversation becomes completely awkward. I've tried answering "no," but this is also awkward when someone who knows about Ethan is standing nearby - not to mention that it doesn't feel honest. Do any of you angel moms have a suggestion? This situation occurs far too often.
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I have felt the EXACT same way. I think it is most complicated in the situation where the loss is your first. Now that I have Charlie, it's less so, because when I say 'yes' I of course mean both, but I can tell them about Charlie a little more. But still, here is my take on it....
It is totally your decision, and it can be in a case by case basis who you share info with. Really it's not the person's business when they ask you, they are just making small talk... if you want to encourage the talk you can, but you don't have to. Leave it up to how you feel in that moment and don't feel guilty! Anyone who knows and loves you knows that you still love and could never forget Ethan (especially Ethan), they will not judge your decisions.
I have often varied from situation to situation how I handle it. If it's like a check out clerk, or someone I'll never see again I've often said no and just left. What's the point, you know? In other situations when I don't want to discuss but I don't feel like 'no' is an appropriate remark, I try the sentence, "I had a son." Implying if they pick up on it that I know longer physically have one.... In other times where I feel up to it, I just said, 'Yes, I have one son I lost to trisomy 18.' Short, sweet, and if they want they can ask on, in these situations I don't mind answering if they have further questions, or they can move on if it makes them uncomfortable. I also think if THEY ask and you want to answer and talk about Ethan then you should... it's not your fault if it's awkward for them, they asked!, and it's a part of life.
So there's me. :)
Maybe it's just me, but how do you feel when people say, 'Oh I could never do that - you're so strong' in response to telling you had a child you lost? As if this was something you did to just give your own faith a test, or show the world how strong and great you are because you managed to keep on living? As if you have a choice in loss? I'm sure they're trying to be supportive in their way, and be complimentary??? maybe, but it doesn't ever seem appropriate to me.
Just a thought, and not having any experience yet with pregnancy or birth of a child of my own,
How about. . .
Yes, he is with Heavenly Father now.
Yes, he is among angels.
Yes, he is in a better place.
"how many?" and "how old?" are STILL the hardest questions for me. i answer differently every time. for some reason my heart always hurts, no matter how i answer.
Hi Janae, my name is Teresa. I work with your aunt Christy at the dentist office. I just lost a baby girl, Paige, on Feb 21 at 17 weeks gestation. I love this blog because it reflects my feelings that I haven't found words for yet. I have looked at it several times.
I have a friend that lost a 6 year old boy due to an auto-pedestrian accident a few years ago. She HATES the question "how many kids do you have?" I now have this in common with her, and you, and everyone else that has lost a child. She told me that the answer to the question just depends on if you want to tell your story or not. If you say the real number of kids you have, follow up questions come, and you tell your story. If you don't want to tell your story right then to that particular person, then you tell them the answer that isn't exactly true, but doesn't lead to questions you don't want to get into right then. No other way to put it, it SUCKS to be in this situation.
Just stumbled upon your blog. I sympathize with you. We lost our oldest son at 13 months old. We have gone on to birth 2 more and adopt one. I agree with what everyone else says, it depends who you are talking to. I still always feel a pang of guilt when I say 3 instead of 4 and it's been 10 years since we lost our Braxton. It does hurt less to tell the story now so I find myself sharing it more often now than I did years ago. So, it does get easier. Right after we lost him it really just depended on the day. I do find that I meet a lot of people who have gone through losing a child by telling them my story. I think even if it may make the other person sorry that they asked, you worked hard for your little one and you should "take credit" for having a child. :-) As for the "You're so strong" comment. Just take it like a compliment. That's how it's meant. No one wants to be in our "club" and the thought is unbearable until you are in the situation. I would just try to be honest and tell people, "I cry a lot, I go through the motions a lot, I am glad you think I seem strong because I don't always feel that way. My faith is growing." Best of luck to you on your next baby! Thrilled for you.
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