Unexpected Emotions

Six days after Ethan's birth, I found myself in a very cheerful mood. I had spent the day with my sister, celebrating my nephew's birthday. Minutes after I returned home the doorbell rang. There stood another "angel mom" and she began to sob. She told me how sorry she was for my loss - and I began to feel guilty. There I was with a smile on my face while this mother wept. Shouldn't I be crying? This mother then told me her story of loss. At first I was comforted to realize that there were other people who understood my grief, but as we continued to visit I became annoyed. My visitor went on and on about her loss... I found myself comforting her... shouldn't she be comforting me?

Later that evening my husband returned home from work. I found myself complaining to my husband about my afternoon visit. "I am the one grieving," "She should be consoling me." The more I complained the more infuriated I became.

That night we knelt for family prayer. I began the prayer as I often do - thanking God for our blessings. The spirit then guided my words as I prayed for forgiveness of my bitter feelings. It then occurred to me that perhaps I was given this trial in order to help other grieving mothers. Had I failed? I realize that anger and bitterness are emotions that come with grief. And no mother should feel guilty for experiencing these emotions. But allowing these emotions to rule your life is not acceptable. Allowing these emotions to rule your life will not lead you to the peace and happiness that you hope for.

Dealing with the Due Date

The day I have been dreading for four months has now come and gone. Friday was the day that Ethan was supposed to be born. I've feared facing this day thinking that it would only bring heartache as I long to hold the baby that I miss. I've wanted to get past this day because I knew it would be difficult. On the other-hand, I didn't want this day to come. So many individuals have told me that once March 13th was in the past, I would be able to "leave the experience behind me". Though their intentions were good, these words hurt. Of course I want to move forward, but I do not want to leave the experience behind. I want my son to be remembered. As difficult as losing him has been, I am so blessed to be his mother and happy that he is a part of my life. He always will be...

Friday was not easy, but was not as bad as I imagined it would be. I am so blessed to have my family so close. I was able to spend time with my nephews and niece. Their laughter and smiles bring joy into my heart. My mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother took me out to lunch. I feel so blessed to know that so many people care. For you angel moms, try to surround yourself with loved ones even if you'd rather withdraw. It seems to make my experience a little bit easier.

Below is a poem that has touched my heart.

Treasures in Heaven

They say that Heaven's wonderful
Its beauty is divine
A place where we shall meet again
With loved ones, yours and mine.
It is a place of peace and love
A vale so pure and fair,
But Heaven can't be Heaven
Without a child there.

My baby was perfection
A goal is set for me
To keep me climbing upward
To a greater destiny.
His heart strings taught 'bout my feet
His silent voice calls clear,
And when the moon beams light the night
I often feel him near.

The greatest touch of Heaven
That ever brightens earth
Is the coming of a spirit
In the miracle of birth.
To fathom Heaven's mysteries
I would not try or care
But I know that there are angels
For my child's waiting there.

Dear Lord, forgive my hearts complaint
I did not understand
The magic of a child's smile
And soft warmth of its hand
The power of its winning ways
And innocence so sweet
Are needed up in Heaven
to make it more complete.

And after I have dried my tears
This thought, Dear Lord, breaks through
That he was yours as well as mine
You loved my baby too.
I wanted him to stay so much,
But life is full of care
You have called and Heaven
Will be sweeter with him there.

I give him back Dear Father
This baby that's yours and mine,
And wait until you call for me
In your appointed time.
I know he will be waiting
With all his many charms
And Heaven will be Heaven
When I take him in my arms.

--Leona H. Carlson

"Tender Mercies" During Times of Trial

"...the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."
--Elder David A. Bednar

The loss of my son is by far the greatest trial I have faced here in mortality. The lonliness, the pain, and the tears are difficult to leave behind. Most individuals, during a time of trial, often ask "why?" I cannot bring myself to ask this question simply because of the tender mercies the Lord has bestowed upon me. I'll explain with my story of Ethan's delivery.

The night before I went into labor, I asked my husband to give me a priesthood blessing. My reasons for the blessing were unrelated to the son we were about to have. However, in the blessing I was told how pleased my Heavenly Father was with my decision to become a mother and that I would be a great example of service for my children to follow. On November 13, 2008 I began to feel some aching in my back and I would get an occasional sharp pain in my abdomen. The back pain was "normal" I had felt it throughout my pregnancy. The stomach pains came and went for a while. Soon my husband returned home from work. I wasn't sure what to do, but my husband decided that he would get our neighbor, a nurse. Our neighbor asked me a couple of questions, and with a phone call to the doctor she worked with it was determined that I should go to labor and delivery. Once I was checked in a nurse examined me to discover that I was fully dilated - there was no stopping him. While we waited for the pediatrician to arrive, the on-call OBGYN asked my husband if he would like assistance in giving me a blessing. The blessing was short and simply stated "know that what happens is God's will". The pediatrician arrived and immediately my son was delivered. After 25 minutes of trying to stabilize my son's breathing, the pediatrician handed me my son. I had another 20 minutes to hold my son before he returned to his Heavenly Father. I was released from the hospital just after midnight.

The following morning I received a letter in the mail from my four-year-old niece. Note that she had written this letter several days before Ethan's birth. The letter contained a picture of me and my husband with a baby in my belly. Under the picture she wrote "it's a boy". There was a second when I wanted to cry, but then I realized that Ethan's birth should still be celebrated as it was truly a miracle.

My Ethan's timing was perfect. I realize that Heavenly Father allowed him to develop just enough that he could claim his body. If he had waited to come just one more week his survival rate would have been much greater. If he came a day earlier he may not of lived at all. Ethan came to us on a Thursday evening. My husband was able to take me to the hospital, and only missed two days of work because the weekend was near. The following months I was to be surrounded by my family members as they had previously arranged their holiday vacations.

Over the last three months I have come to realize that Heavenly Father will not give us a trial without bestowing upon us his tender mercies. However, it is up to us to recognize these blessings. The priesthood blessings, the neighbor, the on-call doctor, the pediatrician, the timing of events, and the sweet letter from my niece are just some of the tender mercies I have received during this my greatest trial. Our Heavenly Father does love us - I know it now more than ever!

The Reason for this Blog

Since the passing of our son, many brokenhearted mothers have shared with me their stories of loss. For many, their greatest desire is that their child is not forgotten. Unfortunately, we as human-beings may express our sympathies but then we move on with our own lives leaving these mothers to mourn alone. Do you notice the woman who cries at church with every baby blessing? Do you notice the woman who works extra long hours to avoid going home to an empty nursery? You may be amazed at how strong these women appear as they tell you that they are doing fine, but the truth is they cry through the night praying for peace and the support of a good friend.

I hope to share my stories and experiences with these mothers to let them know that they are not alone. My heart aches to know of their confusion, pain, and loneliness. We may have experienced a different form of loss (miscarriage, still born, infant death) and we may all react to our loss in different ways - but we all have a loving Heavenly Father. With time and faith we can learn to enjoy life again - though it will never be the same.