It always bothers me when people refer to Ethan's death as a miscarriage. Yes there are many similarities. Both are a result of a failed pregnancy. The body and mind undergo a great deal of stress. There is a loss and a mourning related to both situations. But as someone who has experienced both, there is a great deal of difference. With my miscarriage, it was painful, but the loss I experienced was more a loss of the opportunity to be a mother. I did not feel as though I lost a child - just an opportunity. Many other women who have experienced a miscarriage have expressed different feelings, and I have often felt guilty. Should I have had a greater bond?With the loss of Ethan, I yearn to see him and hold him and know him. I have always found great comfort in knowing that he lived for 48 minutes. We bonded. We saw his face. He had a name. I didn't consider myself a mother until he came along. So having experienced these two losses differently, I become irritated when others refer to Ethan's death as a miscarriage. It is important to me that others recognize that my son lived.
Below are the medical terms used to describe the different types of pregnancy loss:
- miscarriage = 0-12 weeks gestation
- late miscarriage = 12-20 weeks gestation
- stillborn= death of a baby in the womb after 20 weeks
- neonatal death = a baby dies within 28 days of birth (often occurs because a baby had birth defects or was born early)
4 comments:
I know what you mean! I did not know you also went through this. We got to full term with Leland, but he only hung in there for a few short hours, he was diagnosed prenatally with T18, and we knew he most likely would not survive long with the condition, however, he meant a great deal to us, as a real live little SON, maybe we didn't change diapers or put up with tantrums, but Leland was our son.
Ethan was really beautiful, and I"m so glad you had NILMDTS capture him to nicely.
I totally understand. It always bothers me when people call it a miscarriage. Not that a miscarriage isn't a traumatic experience, but it wasn't my experience. I was once told that after 20 weeks a baby could live outside the womb and I guess that is why it is so important to me to call it what it was-he was stillborn. He could have lived outside the womb. I understand most people don't understand the difference and I have had to explain it multiple times, but I don't mind. People need to be educated.
Oh JaNae, I am sorry people weren't more thoughtful and educated referring to Ethan's experience... Most of them SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Lincoln was a month old(!) when he left us, but we also had comments like "I understand what you are going through, because I've had miscarriages" etc... That is just the way some people show their support, I guess. They don't realize that 7 weeks is different from 20, or 30... No one really understands the pain unless they experience it first hand..
What bothered me even more was when people told me that a stillborn child can NOT be with us during the Millennium, because technically he never lived. I was 36 weeks pregnant and had a strong bond with my son. I knew that he lived inside of me. I knew that our earthly experience with him MATTERED!!
I learned to ignore comments like that, because they only bring pain. I take everything that is said and believe that people are genuinely sorry, they just don't know how to express it. And most of the time it really IS the case. It is so difficult to find the right words at such circumstances...
That was a great post Janae! I completely agree with everything you said! It is amazing what people say, but I also agree that most have the best of intentions. Unfortunately it took many years, and many hurt feelings to realize that for me! I love your blog! You are so good at putting your feelings into words! You should be a writer! Luv Ya
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