Service to Lift Sorrow

I believe that God gives us trial for our own growth and learning. One of the greatest lessons to be gained in this life is to love, to give, and to uplift those around us. Through trials we are taught.
Only after your heart has been broken can you understand the sorrow of others. With this understanding comes empathy and a desire to serve. It is through service that we learn to truly care for others. It is through service that you can find peace as you learn the love God has not only for others, but also for yourself. "You will find that the true key to happiness is to labor for the happiness of others" (True to the Faith, p. 162)

Help to Heal

I have received a request to share ideas of how others can help those who mourn. I have listed for you the numerous acts of kindness that I have received from family and friends. Other ideas can be found in articles listed under "how others can help" on the sidebar of this page.

• My mother-in-law bought me a pair of cozy pajamas and several boxes of tissue.
• My grandmother crocheted a beautiful blanket to bury our son in.
• My mother sewed a tiny white jumpsuit - also used to bury our son in.
• We received numerous meals
• Several visitors came to express their sympathy and offer help
• My sister understood that in my time of grief, it was difficult for me to concentrate. She made several phone-calls to help me figure out insurance.
• I received numerous plants and flowers that were reminders that people cared, and which brought life into our home.
• Our neighbors took us out for dinner
• Friends listened to me tell my story and were willing to look at pictures of our son - this was important to me as I wanted his life and existence to be recognized and remembered.

Some things to avoid include:

• Comparisons of losses
• Asking when the couple plans to "try again"
• Saying "you'll have more"
• Ignoring the loss

I understand that knowing what to say or do can be difficult - most people do not want to offend the bereaved. However, ignoring the loss can be hurtful to those you care for. If you cannot think of anything to do or say, a simple hug will often do the trick. You could even express "I don't know what to say." Acknowledgment of loss is important - no matter the loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death).

When helping others in their time of grief, we can look to the Savior.

The Savior provided the perfect example of how to respond to the pain and mourning of a loved one. After Lazarus’s death, Christ traveled to Bethany to be with Martha and Mary. To Martha He offered His testimony of life after death and asked her to reaffirm her testimony. When Mary expressed her grief over the loss of her brother, the scriptures simply state, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).

Mother's Day Thoughts

Remembering You on Mother's Day

No little hugs or kisses
to wake me up on this morn.
No special card or roses sent my way.
Bittersweet feelings, at least a thousand tears;
Quietly, I celebrated you this day.

I am not like the others,
Though I still wear the name.
I cannot hold you in my arms,
But I love you just the same.

I knelt beside your resting place,
Though I knew you were not there.
I prayed to God in Heaven:
A peace I found in knowing,
sweet child, you're in His care.

To see a mother with her baby-
How my heart breaks in two;
But never would I trade this pain
If it meant there had been no you.

At times I feel I cannot go on-
Living this life without you.
Yet hidden behind my deepest grief
There is joy unexpainably true.

For my [son], you will always be a blessing from above.
Your brief existence has bestowed on me a name I cherish dear.

And although this day is not what I imagined it to be,
I will treasure it because of you-
MY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY.

--- Jana Spigener

Hurtful Reminders

The ads and samples continue to come...

Small Being, Short Life, Enormous Impact

Weighing 1 pound 3.2 ounces, living for only 48 minutes, Ethan has changed my life forever. With the loss of my son, I have received three incredible gifts:

1. A greater testimony. I have learned more fully the concept of eternity, knowing that my family is a forever family. I also have a better understanding of the atonement and sacrifice of my savior - knowing that it is through Him I can be healed, made clean, and receive eternal life.



2. A knowledge of God's hand in my life. Trials are given to us so that we can grow. We have a loving Father in Heaven who assists us in our trials by bestowing tender mercies upon us.

3. A greater capacity of love and compassion for others. My heart is more open. I have a sensitivity to the trials that others face, I am more empathetic, and I have a greater desire to serve.



It is true that our greatest trials are our greatest blesssings.

Being Blunt

Keeping this blog has been somewhat difficult for me. By nature I am a VERY private person. However, I keep writing in hope that my experiences and words may be helpful to others.

Almost two years ago, a year and a half before Ethan's birth, I experienced a miscarriage. Very few people knew about my miscarriage. Just a couple of months ago I told my mother. It was truly a difficult experience, and painful physically as well as emotionally. I discovered I was pregnant and my husband and I decided not to tell anyone until we safely made it through the first trimester. We didn't make it that far. After my loss, we decided to keep silent as we did not want questions. We figured that if people knew we were trying to begin a family, they would want a weekly update on whether or not we had conceived. Unfortunately, questions came anyway. I mean we are LDS and had been married a year... why weren't we pregnant?! After losing Ethan, I have received many inquiries about whether or not I'm trying to get pregnant again. The answer is no. If things had gone as planned it would only be one month after Ethan's birth. We feel we need to mourn before "jumping back in". Curious minds would ask, when will you try again? Not anytime soon. Ethan has a special place in my heart, I do not want to feel as though I am trying to replace him. We pray that our family and friends will be understanding.

I caution everyone, do not question couples about their plan for starting a family. You do not know what they are experiencing. The timing of children is a personal matter and should be left to the couple and Heavenly Father.

I have been extremely blessed to have understanding parents. They never pry and have been very supportive. Many of my angel mom friends have not been so lucky. Please feel free to use this blog to communicate your own feelings.

If you are an angel parent, or viewing this blog for the first time, please leave a comment. I would appreciate feedback about how this blog is affecting you, as well as topics you would like addressed about loss.

Addressed to Heaven

Dear Ethan,

Mommy misses you dearly. Your squishy little cheeks, your small breathless lips, and your sweet angelic spirit.

I had but a moment to hold you in my arms, but will hold you forever in my heart.

My eyes weep as they long to see you... my ears yearn to hear your cry... my lips long to kiss you... my arms ache to hold you... and my soul prays to be in your presence once again.

I look forward to the moment when we will be reunited...

Forever and Always,

Your Mother