Two Years a Family

Last month we celebrated Ethan's 2nd Birthday. It was a wonderful day! Suprisingly, there were no tears. I think that I am able to see his birthday as a happy occassion because I recognize it as the day we became a family. There is so much to celebrate when you begin to understand the concept of eternity and the promise of being a forever family. Ethan coming into our lives has allowed me to truly appreciate the plan our Heavenly Father has for us - it IS a plan of happiness. I know that many angel parents may continue to hurt on anniversaries of birthdays and deaths... I hope that you are able to find at least one moment to appreciate that which Heavenly Father has given us... Eternity.

Apology

For those of you left hanging... I did share the miracle story of my second son, but have since removed the post because of concerns I have with privacy. So sorry!

Survival

For those of you still wondering... I did survive my pregnancy. It was exhausting and long! After five months of morning/all day sickness (yes, I actually lost weight the first half of my pregnancy), surgery (a cervical cerclage), and a long and boring summer on "bed-rest", we delivered son #2. My anxiety and fear of another loss did diminish with time... though it peaked again at 23 weeks (the gestational age Ethan was when we lost him). Prayer and faith is what got me through it.

Admittedly, my mind has been preoccupied with this new baby... leaving less time to mourn. However, every time I experience something new with this child I can't help but think what I've missed out on with Ethan. I am so glad to have the knowledge that I will someday be able to raise Ethan. Oh how I long for that day! For those of you who think that one child can replace another, you are quite mistaken. That being said, I thoroughly enjoy being a mother -it's both fulfilling and rewarding.

It is such a miracle to have this precious boy with us, and the miracles continued after his birth as we have survived more trials. I will share these experiences at a later date.

The Question

I am often asked... "So do you have any children?' I never know exactly how to answer this question. Of course I want to recognize Ethan, but if I say yes "how many?" or "how old?" is bound to follow. I then have to explain what happened and the conversation becomes completely awkward. I've tried answering "no," but this is also awkward when someone who knows about Ethan is standing nearby - not to mention that it doesn't feel honest. Do any of you angel moms have a suggestion? This situation occurs far too often.

Dear Baby

Written February 2010

Dear Baby,

I want you to know how much I already love you. I've been wating for you to arrive since the day I left you in heaven. Your brother has already come for a visit and he reminded me of all the love I have in my heart. I can't wait to share this love with you.

I think of you often and long to hold you. We had a plan in heaven to become a family - and our family here will not be complete until you arrive.

I am so happy that our Heavenly Father has made it possible that we can share eternity together.

Always and Forever,

Your Mother

Pregnancy After Loss

Written January 11, 2010

My heart is torn as I write this. I know very well the sting that my news may bring to you mothers who have recently lost... I am pregnant. I have a waterfall of emotions pouring through me right now. First, and foremost, I am grateful. Every chance I have at becoming a mother is such a blessing. Every day begins with a prayer of thanks - I am so happy to have survived another day without another loss. However, I am not ignorant. In fact I am painfully aware that losing a child may not be a once in a lifetime experience. I can't help comparing this pregnancy to the last and often the anxiety becomes unbearable. I am constantly praying that I will be able to keep and raise this child.

At times, I actually find myself excited. This never lasts long as I want to protect myself from disappointment. Is it possible to remain hopeful for another six months?

Multiple Posts

Okay... so it's been a long time since I've posted. I've been without the internet, but finally have a chance to catch up. I have been keeping notes on some of my thoughts, so here it goes.