The Question

I am often asked... "So do you have any children?' I never know exactly how to answer this question. Of course I want to recognize Ethan, but if I say yes "how many?" or "how old?" is bound to follow. I then have to explain what happened and the conversation becomes completely awkward. I've tried answering "no," but this is also awkward when someone who knows about Ethan is standing nearby - not to mention that it doesn't feel honest. Do any of you angel moms have a suggestion? This situation occurs far too often.

Dear Baby

Written February 2010

Dear Baby,

I want you to know how much I already love you. I've been wating for you to arrive since the day I left you in heaven. Your brother has already come for a visit and he reminded me of all the love I have in my heart. I can't wait to share this love with you.

I think of you often and long to hold you. We had a plan in heaven to become a family - and our family here will not be complete until you arrive.

I am so happy that our Heavenly Father has made it possible that we can share eternity together.

Always and Forever,

Your Mother

Pregnancy After Loss

Written January 11, 2010

My heart is torn as I write this. I know very well the sting that my news may bring to you mothers who have recently lost... I am pregnant. I have a waterfall of emotions pouring through me right now. First, and foremost, I am grateful. Every chance I have at becoming a mother is such a blessing. Every day begins with a prayer of thanks - I am so happy to have survived another day without another loss. However, I am not ignorant. In fact I am painfully aware that losing a child may not be a once in a lifetime experience. I can't help comparing this pregnancy to the last and often the anxiety becomes unbearable. I am constantly praying that I will be able to keep and raise this child.

At times, I actually find myself excited. This never lasts long as I want to protect myself from disappointment. Is it possible to remain hopeful for another six months?

Multiple Posts

Okay... so it's been a long time since I've posted. I've been without the internet, but finally have a chance to catch up. I have been keeping notes on some of my thoughts, so here it goes.

Celebration and Perspective

Sorry it's been so long! I've been without internet...

It's been more than a month, but I really wanted to share what occurred on Ethan's birthday. The weeks leading up to Ethan's birthday were miserable and lonely. The memories of his passing became more vivid as his birthday approached. On November 12th (Thursday) I remembered how Ethan was born on a Thursday, and every time I looked at the clock memories surfaced as to what happened that same moment the year before. It was dreadful. The emotions were still so raw - as though I was experiencing it all again. I was not looking forward to the next day thinking that Ethan's actual birthday would be much more difficult.

Early Friday morning, my cousin stopped by. She brought a fabulous birthday cake in memory of Ethan. I was so grateful, and touched, that she had remembered. But I was also grateful for the new perspective this simple act gave me. Immediately I realized that Ethan's birthday should not be a day of mourning, but should be a day of celebration. It was the day I became a mother - and the day we became a family.

The remainder of the day - I was overwhelmed with peace and gratitude. Others also remembered my son's birth. One of my friends brought me this beautiful gift:

I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends. It is truly amazing how one small unexpected kindness can lift away sorrow. I pray that we might all be mindful of others and find ways to lighten their burdens.

Sleepless Dark

Months have past (nearly a year) and still I feel the gloom of sorrow. It's like a dark cloud is hanging over me. And though the sorrow fades in and out, the last couple of weeks have been somewhat overwhelming. I know that I typically focus on my strong moments, and my growing testimony - but this deep sorrow is a part of grieving. If I am to share my complete experience this darkness needs to be mentioned. I do, however, realize that if I am to experience extreme joy, I must experience the misery. I am so grateful for the gospel and the hope that it brings me.

Below is a poem that I wrote during one of my many sleepless nights.

Sleepless Dark

In the sleepless dark I lay,
As my heart begins to pray.
Memories I thought were in the past
Are now in the present and will forever last.

As clouds of sorrow take their place,
My heart cries out for amazing grace.
A mist of darkness fills my mind -
It is peace I seek, and am trying to find.

The One who was always near,
Is now gone - I begin to fear.
It is I who has fallen behind.
I search for His face, so loving and kind.

In the sleepless dark I lay,
My aching heart continues to pray.
I grasp for hope as it passes by,
And realize my Friend has always been nigh.

There is hope in His loving embrace,
My Savior, my friend, my Amazing Grace.
Daylight begins to filter the air,
It is true, my friend, He is always there.

--by JaNae Campbell

Holding Baby

The first time I held an infant after losing Ethan is when my aching arms finally found relief. There is nothing more wonderful or comforting than holding one of God's children. I will forever be grateful to this infant's mother. I was sitting in church, when she asked me if I would watch her son while she and her husband joined the choir. Many people would not have asked me in fear that it would hurt my feelings... I am so glad this mother did.

Months later, I was visiting a friend who had given birth to the most beautiful baby girl. My friend handed her daughter to me, and in that same moment her baby smiled. What a wonderful gift!

I wrote the following poem nearly 10 years ago:

A Child's Smile

When a child smiles
The world seems brighter.
Peace and love will fill the air.
There is no sorrow lingering around.

When a smile appears on a young face,
Happiness bursts within every heart.
A melody can be heard from every bird.
The air becomes fresher and sweeter.

There is nothing more wonderful than a smile that
lies upon a child's face.